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Some people - and I will admit I am one of them - just do not like getting compliments. But often immediately deflecting praise or trying to brush it off can end up hurting the feelings of the person trying to be nice. Life Kit's Andee Tagle looks at the science of compliments and how to both give them and receive them gracefully.
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ANDEE TAGLE: The science is straightforward. Compliments can be really good for you, whether you're giving or receiving them.
XUAN ZHAO: For example, we have neuroscientists showing that when you receive a compliment, your brain - the reward circuit lights up, just like when you receive money.
TAGLE: This is Xuan Zhao, a behavioral scientist at Stanford University. She says the difference with praise is the payout goes both ways.
ZHAO: The other person is happier, and you are actually happier.
TAGLE: Zhao is also the CEO and cofounder of Flourish Science, a startup translating insights from science into tools for everyday well-being. And that work includes a lot of research on compliments. And just to be clear, we're talking about the genuine kind here, not like backhanded comments from frenemies or microaggressions from strangers. Too often, she says, people lose out on opportunities for connection by holding back their praise for others - maybe because they're afraid of saying the wrong thing or worried about how that compliment will go over. But...
ZHAO: We found that people overestimate how awkward the other person would feel when they receive compliments, and people actually feel even happier than you would expect.
TAGLE: On the receiving end though - let's be honest - appreciating a compliment on the inside can be a very different thing from being able to graciously accept one on the outside. If, like me, you're the type that instinctively argues, invalidates, squirms even anytime praise is directed your way, know first that there are likely a lot of factors in forming those feelings and that knee-jerk response. For example, Zhao grew up in China.
ZHAO: The right thing to do in the Chinese culture is to deny the compliment, to deflect the compliment. And in English, you are just supposed to say thank you. So that's - you know, you have to be taught.
TAGLE: Context matters. Your country, your cultural heritage, your gender - all of these things and more could play a role in your personal relationship to praise. Another potential factor - self-esteem.
ZHAO: Because people want to maintain a congruent image about themselves.
TAGLE: People with high self-esteem have been shown to have an easier time accepting compliments because they can more readily accept and believe praise. On the other hand, if you get a new haircut that you think looks terrible on you, and then your coworker compliments your rocking new bangs, your lack of confidence might give you the urge to deny, deflect or swat that comment away immediately. But Zhao says fight that urge and instead, simply say thank you. Because here in the U.S., a compliment should be seen as an unconditional gift.
ZHAO: Imagine when you give someone a gift, right? If they are like, oh, no, I don't want to receive this gift, how do you feel? It feels like declining a gift from another person. Maybe your intention is that you feel that you don't deserve this compliment, but the other person may just feel like a rejection of some sort.
TAGLE: Also, because it's a no-strings gift, remember, there's no praise payback required.
ZHAO: We're not thinking that I want - I give you a compliment because I want you to give me a compliment. It's that I want you to know that - how much I appreciate you. There could be other future occasions to repay the compliment, but I think the best thing to do is to enjoy that act of kindness from the other person.
TAGLE: So choose to accept the kudos at face value. Feel the extra bit of pep it adds to your step and then feel free to pass along some sunshine when and where you can. Zhao says...
ZHAO: You never know what kind of impact your compliment would have on another person.
TAGLE: For NPR's Life Kit, I'm Andee Tagle.
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