Limericks

Dec 8, 2018
Originally published on December 8, 2018 11:37 am
Copyright 2018 NPR. To see more, visit https://www.npr.org.

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Hi, you are on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

SEAN: Hi, this is Sean, calling from Atlanta, Ga.

SAGAL: And what do you do there?

SEAN: I'm a clinical tech, so I run the tests that physicians will order to diagnose your weird illness.

SAGAL: Oh, really? So when they say, we don't know what's wrong with this person, then - and you get, like, a tissue sample or something that you have to test.

SEAN: Yeah, yeah - it's usually poop or blood.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right, it's usually poop or blood.

PAULA POUNDSTONE: Nice.

SEAN: The good stuff, you know?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Yeah. I hate to ask this - which do you prefer?

(LAUGHTER)

SEAN: You know, blood is a lot easier to work with, I'll tell you.

POUNDSTONE: Yeah, I bet.

SAGAL: Yeah, I can imagine. I can imagine. Sean, welcome to the show. Bill Kurtis is going to read for you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly on just two of the limericks, you will be a winner. Are you ready to play?

SEAN: Let's do it.

SAGAL: All right, here is your first limerick.

BILL KURTIS: I'm surprised that canned food's not dyed soona (ph). As millennial, I'm blamed as the ruina (ph). With no tools to crack open, they're fools to keep hopin', but for now, I won't buy this canned...

SEAN: Tuna.

SAGAL: Yes, tuna.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Millennials, those poor, poor people...

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: ...Are being blamed for killing yet another thing - this time, canned tuna. The reason may surprise you. They're not buying it. They don't have anything against tuna. They just - most of them don't have a can opener. I mean, they just can't do it.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It's not that they don't know how to do it. On the other hand, how many times have you seen a confused 30-year-old holding a can and helplessly trying to swipe right across the top?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: I don't know. It's not opening. Maybe it doesn't like me. Big tuna...

PETER GROSZ: Is that really true that millennials can't use can openers?

SAGAL: No, they just don't have them because if you think about it, when I, as an old person, was growing up, a lot of things came in cans.

GROSZ: Right.

SAGAL: Very few things do these days. They come in jars...

GROSZ: Yeah, no, phones used to come in cans, and now they're just - everyone's got them in their pockets.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Yeah. OK, Sean, here is your next limerick.

KURTIS: While this sale of a car, you're initialin', taste my broth, where I'm leaving the fish shell in. I am selling used cars as I'm earning three stars in that fancy French food guide called...

SEAN: Michelin.

SAGAL: Yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Food critics were amazed this week when a used car shop in Japan showed up on a Michelin list. The owner makes gourmet ramen and serves it in his waiting room, allowing buyers to get that new-pork smell there - everybody looking for in a car.

(LAUGHTER)

GROSZ: That's amazing. That's a lot better than somebody who has a restaurant and was like, I think I'm going to sell cars out of this place.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Yeah, I know. The ramen, by the way, really is terrific. But as soon as you take the first sip, remember; the ramen loses a third of its value.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right, here is your last limerick.

KURTIS: I am keeping the lights in the aisle lit. My announcements are silky and violet. The cockpit's amusing. The altitude's cruising. You've just been swiped right by the...

POUNDSTONE: Oh.

SEAN: Pilot.

SAGAL: Yes, the pilot.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SEAN: Oh, that's it.

SAGAL: Yeah, you got it.

KURTIS: Good for you, Sean.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: A man on an airplane flight got a message from a guy on his dating app. He was like, oh, who's this? The guy's location was marked as 90 feet away.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: His profile picture featured a - him in a pilot's uniform.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And the message he got in the dating app was, I see you're on my flight. Enjoy the ride to Chicago.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: The man, in his seat, using the in-flight Wi-Fi, he responded with some, you know, standard meeting online chat, like tell me about yourself. Like for starters, why aren't you flying the plane?

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: Really.

FAITH SALIE: But that could have been a really sexy conversation. It could've been like, you know, why don't you come up front, try on my hat? I'll show you my cockpit.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: I so don't find pilots compelling in that way. I...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Paula, I...

POUNDSTONE: To me, they're (unintelligible) - we're going to circle for a little while.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: I think you're missing...

POUNDSTONE: Thank you so much for choosing us. And we're going to circle. Oh, we're early. Look - and there's no ground crew, and we're going to sit on the tarmac for a while.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

POUNDSTONE: It's not sexy.

SAGAL: Although you just reminded me how much better it is that they have these digital flat things, as you like to say, up in the cockpit because back in the old days, they had hit on guys with the PA, you know?

(LAUGHTER)

GROSZ: I really like subway drivers who are like, (unintelligible) - 96 - (unintelligible) - next stop - that guy in the brown sweater.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: No, see - that's a turn on.

SAGAL: You like that?

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Bill, how did Sean do on our quiz?

KURTIS: He didn't even need the help. He got all three right.

SAGAL: Congratulations, Sean.

(APPLAUSE)

SEAN: Thank you.

(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "COME FLY WITH ME")

FRANK SINATRA: (Singing) Come fly with me. Let's fly. Let's fly away. If you can use some exotic booze, there's a bar in far Bombay. Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.